Rejection

I am going thru trauma for the past week.
Rejection!!!!
I found out I am not good in taking it! Wow! What a new discovery about myself. I am eaten by the bitterness of rejection. I resent with very emotional thoughts and reasons. I felt very depress and wanna to quite. I refused to get out from bed....
I feel weak in and out!
Silently i prayed, ask God to comfort me, i wanna to runaway, i want to give up!
He said, He knew me, loved me and walked with me and this comforted me!
And I asked the grace to take rejection!

Something NEW

I brought a new toy recently. It was a new hand phone. It is not my second hand phone. I had my first hand phone 4 years back, a used hand phone which was given to me by friend. My second hand phone was also a used hand phone given to me by my brother.

Then, I was offer by my hubby to get a new one. My hand phone had some problem with the battery then. I had chosen one, which is relatively cheap. I was very happy with it for the last two years. Most of my student said that I can keep that hand phone in a museum. None of my student had that old model. It was a Nokia 3310. Most of them had colour screen, in fact all of them.

Lately, I found myself very forgetful. I need reminder in the phone to help me around. The Nokia 3310 can only accommodate 5 reminders. Getting a new one with bigger memory is playing in my mind. But another concern arise, what am I looking for?

To cut the story short, I end up with Nokia 6300. A new hand phone as other see it. But it has another significant. It was so not me, as I see myself and the new toy that I had brought. Something new in me, I can pamper myself and not feeling sorry about it. I was thrilled with the new toy for many days. Life is so nice not solely because I got a new toy, also I had learn to listen to myself.

What is the ointment of spikenard of me?

As i reflect my life after turning in 40s, i can't help but full of my gratitude to the Lord my Saviour. I was blessed in many-many ways. And i always want to offer the Lord something as my ways of thankfulness to Him?
As i read John 12:3 reads "Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair: and the house was filled with the odor of the ointment."
I am asking myself, what is the ointment of spikenard of me to the Lord? My career? Family? finance? time? talent?......
I am seeking Him, and He will reveal to me. I shall sit at His foot and listen........

a lesson learn hard

I had a fall on Good Friday. It was a bad fall. As a result of this, I had three standard steel plating and fifteen screws as part of the body weight that I should carry in the coming two years.
The recovery was pains taking. The physical and emotional traumas were unbearable at the beginning. As the pains slowing fading, my emotional was very much difficult to play with.
As i prayed to God, I ask why He let this things happen to me, for He knows that I can bear such pain, I cried a lot before i knocked off. I ask Him what can I learn from this?
Now, 14 weeks after the incident, I learnt the lessons. The slow down lesson.
As I reflect back for the past 40+ years, I hardy walk, I run. I am always on the move. I will do washing, cooking, cleaning, watering, planting at the same time.
I will put the frying on the stove to heat up, while the heating process, i put laundry in the washing machine, and soak those white school shirts that need a touch of hand. Back to the stove, i pour in the oil, i fill the watering can with water. the pan is hot, I put in the fish. Leaving the fish in the pan, I will take the watering can and water the plants. I will take a look at the plant if they need weeding. Then I rush back to the stove, just on time to turn the fish to another side. That will take another 3 minutes, I will do some cutting and preparation for next dish. Before I sent the dish to the dinning table, I will scrub the white shirt before I started the machine.

Now, I can only do one things at a time. I want to get all things above done at the same time as before, but my movement has been very slow now. If I do my cooking, I will just doing the cooking and nothing more. I am having hard time to adjust to this new pace. A brand new version of a slower of me in the making.

peace within me

As I aged, i notice there are some changes in me. I get tired easily, i need a different kind of spectacle, I feel uneasiness at joints; and changes of attitudes. I felt more at peace with myself and not to take too much of others opinions. I guess that's what you named wisdom. I gained wisdom in exchanged of grey hair. And I am not sad about it. I like it this way.

the lost

Somehow, the lost of my mum had not get over with me yet. She past a way suddenly more than three years ago. Ever since she past away, I know one of the way that I can comprehend this lost, is start to write something about her. Till now, i don't have the courage yet.

The lost make me felt like I am a lost child, I had lost a place to be pampered. And all this long, this pampered relation is a very prominent features in our relationship, and now this very same pampered also giving me the hell feeling too.
I feel like I am no longer a child anymore, and I grieving over and over again for this dying child.

The pains are sharp and it's hurting whenever I feel lost in my life. When I am in that situation, I will call out for her silently. Just to draw a little comfort to hear that word "mum" being uttered. I miss u dearly mum!

talking about expectation

what is expectation? expectation is putting OUR hope on ourself and others. we HOPE because we know that we would be able to achieve , and that very same HOPE we put in others. Is that fair? To us is fair because we can, but not to others. On a second thought, is arrogant that is down deep in us. Because we can, why not others? let us learn that people may not able to achieve OUR EXPECTATION, just simply they are not us. We are just vary in journey of life.

a writer's dream

being a writer is always my dream since I am at the secondary. The dream fate along the way as I enter the busy life as adult. This dream still playing very much in my mind but I just say no to it.
Now, I think is the time that I should recollect this dream and put it into life again.
So, I name this journey, a journey that I may look at the foot prints and reflects how it has be part of me.